I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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