cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
