well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
