when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
