can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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