Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
