Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
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I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
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You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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