It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
