She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
