You smell like a Billy Joel song
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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