I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
