I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
