One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
