I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
