He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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