He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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