Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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