what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
