I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
