so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
