she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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