she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
