Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
