I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
