I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
