I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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