good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
zippers are such a cool invention
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
