apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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