Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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