On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
