she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
