I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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