I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
