you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i would punch a child for taco bell
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
