So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
