He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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