I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
