Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
