I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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