that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
