so that wasnt chicken after all
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
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