I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
im six kinds of drunk right now
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He better not be in your backpack
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Randomize
