Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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