I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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