Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
