I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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