I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
