I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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