i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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