woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
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I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
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I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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