I am in a vortex of obligation.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
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I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
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Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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