The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
