Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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