Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Randomize
