When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
