Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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